I hate it when . . .

. . . you go to a party and some guy insists on turning off the host’s music and plugging in his iPod so we can all have the pleasure of listen to whatever music (usually some lame-ass emo and/or techno) the guy is into now. Ya know, it’s Christmas, let the carols play! I swear the next douchebag that does this is gonna have his iPod yanked out of the sound system and crushed under my boot!! And I don’t care if he is the host’s boyfriend. I’m off to another party right now: douchebags and their iPods BEWARE!!!

Survey (ala MySpace)

1. What did you wear for breakfast?

2. Ever win a free ringtone?

3. What color is your sclera?

4. How many plants have died on your watch?

5. Have you ever woke up on the front lawn?

6. Do you consider two cigarettes and one cup of coffee a meal?

7. When was the last time you were naked in public?

8. Who did you hang out with tomorrow night?

9. Are your handloads really more accurate than premium factory loads?

10. No cop, no stop?

11. How often do you take spacewalks?

12. CRT, LCD, DLP, or Plasma?

13. 3-perf or 4-perf?

14. Who’s your favorite Beatle?

15. Who’s you favorite 9/11 hijacker?

16. Do you like your chances for 2008?

17. Best Elvis Alien Baby coverage: Star, Sun, Weekly World News, The Globe, The National Enquirer, USA Today?

18. Which country do you think will move from stage-6 to stage-7 genocide first: Burundi, Chad, Equatorial Guinea, India, Indonesia, Iran, Israel, Ivory Coast, Lebanon, Nigeria, Philippines, Somalia, Togo, Zimbabwe?

19. Which do you find has the best man-stopping power, 9mm or .40 S&W?

20. Who do you think the French want dead more: George Bush, Lance Armstrong, or Napoleon Dynamite?

21. Has Polonium 210 ended your Anthrax vs. Ricin debate?

22. Were you really surprised to hear that people got sick from eating at Taco Bell?

23. If trans-fats are made illegal, should Brussel sprouts be made illegal too?

24. If Angelina Jolie and Bono got married, would the U.N. have to close down?

25. Who would you most want to go out drinking with: Danny DeVito, Michael Richards, or Mel Gibson?

26. Which former mayor would you rather sit through the opera with, Marion Barry or Rudolph Giuliani?

27. Which tower do you miss more, North or South?

28. Who faked their death best (pick one from each pair):
a. Biggie or Tupac
b. Andy Kaufman or Andy Warhol
c. Elvis or Jesus
d. Princess Diana or John F. Kennedy, Jr.
e. Johnny Sterling Martin or Kenneth Lay

29. Who makes the best bag: Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Coach, Prada, Ziploc?

30. Who will make the better organ donor, Nicole Ritchie or Edward Kennedy?

31. Who’s a better driver, Edward Kennedy or Matthew Broderick?

32. Who’s more boring, Matthew Broderick or Nathan Lane?

33. Who’s more gay, Nathan Lane or Mark Foley?

34. Are you more Chelsea gay or West Hollywood gay?

35. Which store most appeals to your metrosexuality, Kohls or Target?

36. Which magazine do you find more homoerotic, Playgirl or Men’s Health?

37. Which cryptid would win in a fight, Chupacabra or Orang-Bati?

38. Isn’t there something suspicious about Wonder 100% Whole Wheat Bread?

39. Ever have sex on your lunch break?

40. Ever have sex on your coffee break?

41. Which wireless carrier do you find most reliable for triggering roadside IEDs: Cingular, Verizon, or T-Mobile?

43. Best cumshot to perform/receive: back, belly, boobs, booty, face?

44. You must have something better to do than read all this, right?

45. I must have something better to do than write all this, right?

46. I mean, right??

47. Am I best described as a douchebag or a dicktard?

See {proof}

See the movie {proof}. It is the best movie I have seen in years and years and years. This is one of the movies that makes you want to make movies, that reminds you why you wanted to make movies in the first place. It really is that good. Perhaps it is because it is based on a Pulitzer prize winning play rather than a tv show or a comic book. Perhaps it is so good because of the combined talents of Auburn, Madden, Paltrow, Hopkins, Gyllenhaal, and Davis. All I know is it is absolutely the best recently made movie I have yet seen.

SEE THIS MOVIE!!!