In the effort to keep things civil on the streets and sidewalks of New York City, pedestrians please follow these rules:
1. When waiting to cross the street, stand on the sidewalk, not in the street. If you have ever driven a vehicle in NYC, you know how asinine and dangerous this behavior is.
2. “Curb your dog” means have your dog pee/shit at the curb in the street, not on the sidewalk.
3. No flip-flops. No exceptions.
4. If you are male and over 35 years old, skateboard use is prohibited.
5. Briskly and single file.
6. Those odd yellow beeping metal boxes attached to the base of some lampposts are to help blind people navigate and cross the street. They are not IED’s, don’t call 911. Trust me on this.
7. Sidewalk cafes on major avenues are to be avoided at all cost. Unless you feel diesel fumes and soot enhance a meal.
8. When asked, always stop to give directions. Make them up if you have to.
9. In the summertime at most major intersections and subway stops there is a Mister Softee truck. Avoid temptation; use sparingly.
10. If it’s flashing, you best be dashing!
11. Cellphone up, elbow down.
12. If ear to cellphone, then eyes on the sidewalk. Looking at the sky while doing the walk-n-talk is strictly prohibited.
13. No singing aloud or air guitaring during iPod use.
14. If you’re gonna spontaneously bust rhymes while in a crowd, try to keep it PG-13.
15. Always stop for “mango, mango”.
16. The up-traffic taxi hailer retains right of first refusal.
17. Confirm a clear line of sight before flicking your cigarette butt to the curb.
18. Blow cigarette smoke downward, not over your shoulder.
19. No wheeled luggage or backpacks unless the item weighs over 25lbs.
20. Females, if you expose your cleavage and/or navel, you forfeit the right to give dirty looks to all the males who will ogle you.
21. If it is pouring rain and you are using an oversize golf umbrella, consider the buddy system.
22. Park benches and church steps are the turf of the homeless; be respectful.
23. The space between parked cars is the proper place to pee, shit, and/or vomit.
24. Only purchase a regular Starbucks coffee if a coffee cart street vendor is not available.
25. People pushing wheelchairs retain the right of way over people pushing strollers.
26. Despite the annoyance, pamphleteering is a Fifth Amendment right.
That’s all I got for now, more may come.
