United America

While many are going on and on about how we need to bring America and Americans back together again, recent evidence suggests that most American’s are united about a few things. Recent (and not so recent) polls show that nearly two-thirds (and sometimes many more) of Americans agree about the following . . .

1. Bush is a lousy president

2. Cheney is a lousy vice-president.

3. Congress is pretty lousy too.

4. The Iraq war sucks, and we should get troops out of Iraq right away.

5. The economy also sucks, and America is in a reccesion.

6. Oil prices are too high and are affecting American’s bottom line, and America needs to reduce it’s dependence on oil.

7. The world needs to lower the amount of greenhouse gases released into the air.

8. Americans would like to see a decrease in the number of illegal immigrants entering America.

9. The health care system in America needs revision.

10. FEMA could be doing more to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

That’s right TWO-THIRDS of American’s agree on the above things! Two-thirds is a landslide mandate in American politics these days. America seems rather united to me, despite what you see going on in the debates in both houses of congress.

(poll data source: pollingreport.com)

Survey (ala MySpace)

1. What did you wear for breakfast?

2. Ever win a free ringtone?

3. What color is your sclera?

4. How many plants have died on your watch?

5. Have you ever woke up on the front lawn?

6. Do you consider two cigarettes and one cup of coffee a meal?

7. When was the last time you were naked in public?

8. Who did you hang out with tomorrow night?

9. Are your handloads really more accurate than premium factory loads?

10. No cop, no stop?

11. How often do you take spacewalks?

12. CRT, LCD, DLP, or Plasma?

13. 3-perf or 4-perf?

14. Who’s your favorite Beatle?

15. Who’s you favorite 9/11 hijacker?

16. Do you like your chances for 2008?

17. Best Elvis Alien Baby coverage: Star, Sun, Weekly World News, The Globe, The National Enquirer, USA Today?

18. Which country do you think will move from stage-6 to stage-7 genocide first: Burundi, Chad, Equatorial Guinea, India, Indonesia, Iran, Israel, Ivory Coast, Lebanon, Nigeria, Philippines, Somalia, Togo, Zimbabwe?

19. Which do you find has the best man-stopping power, 9mm or .40 S&W?

20. Who do you think the French want dead more: George Bush, Lance Armstrong, or Napoleon Dynamite?

21. Has Polonium 210 ended your Anthrax vs. Ricin debate?

22. Were you really surprised to hear that people got sick from eating at Taco Bell?

23. If trans-fats are made illegal, should Brussel sprouts be made illegal too?

24. If Angelina Jolie and Bono got married, would the U.N. have to close down?

25. Who would you most want to go out drinking with: Danny DeVito, Michael Richards, or Mel Gibson?

26. Which former mayor would you rather sit through the opera with, Marion Barry or Rudolph Giuliani?

27. Which tower do you miss more, North or South?

28. Who faked their death best (pick one from each pair):
a. Biggie or Tupac
b. Andy Kaufman or Andy Warhol
c. Elvis or Jesus
d. Princess Diana or John F. Kennedy, Jr.
e. Johnny Sterling Martin or Kenneth Lay

29. Who makes the best bag: Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Coach, Prada, Ziploc?

30. Who will make the better organ donor, Nicole Ritchie or Edward Kennedy?

31. Who’s a better driver, Edward Kennedy or Matthew Broderick?

32. Who’s more boring, Matthew Broderick or Nathan Lane?

33. Who’s more gay, Nathan Lane or Mark Foley?

34. Are you more Chelsea gay or West Hollywood gay?

35. Which store most appeals to your metrosexuality, Kohls or Target?

36. Which magazine do you find more homoerotic, Playgirl or Men’s Health?

37. Which cryptid would win in a fight, Chupacabra or Orang-Bati?

38. Isn’t there something suspicious about Wonder 100% Whole Wheat Bread?

39. Ever have sex on your lunch break?

40. Ever have sex on your coffee break?

41. Which wireless carrier do you find most reliable for triggering roadside IEDs: Cingular, Verizon, or T-Mobile?

43. Best cumshot to perform/receive: back, belly, boobs, booty, face?

44. You must have something better to do than read all this, right?

45. I must have something better to do than write all this, right?

46. I mean, right??

47. Am I best described as a douchebag or a dicktard?

Take Our Test

1. Mac or PC?

2. Canon or Nikon?

3. iPod or iRiver?

4. Les Paul or Strat?

5. Glock or Smith & Wesson?

6. .270 or .30-06?

7. 1080i or 720p?

8. Townhouse or high-rise?

9. Joyce Carol Oates or Honey Bunches of Oats?

10. If Albert Einstein were alive today and sitting right next to you, what question would you ask him?

11. Do you have delivery restaurants programmed into your cellphone?

12. If so, have do you have their closing times entered next to their names?

13. What size mattress do you have?

14. Sheets: cotton, satin, or silk?

15. Floors: hardwood or wall-to-wall?

16. Seasonings: parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme?

17. What color is your grand piano?

18. How many HEPA devices do you own?

19. Have you ever used the bathtub and shower massage to do the dishes?

20. Have you ever used the bathtub and shower massage to do the laundry?

21. Have you ever used the dishwasher to do laundry?

22. Do you keep a change of clothes at your workplace?

23. Do you own a four-slice toaster or a pair of two-slice toasters?

24. When you run out of meth, which drug do you use to take the edge off?

25. Other than film, batteries, and beer, what’s in your fridge?

26. Other than vodka and ice cubes, what’s in you freezer?

27. In your neighborhood, how much crack will $20 get you?

28. Have you ever purchased the extended warrantee?

29. Did you ever let Kim Jong-iL talk you into buying uranium when you really wanted plutonium?

30. You’re on a plane headed for Tel-Aviv and you decide to hijack it, do you demand the pilot take you to Amman or Damascus?

31. When driving 125mph down the highway, do you find it easier to steer with your elbows or your knees?

32. When ironing a shirt, which part of the shirt do you start with first?

33. Have you ever taken a shower using liquid dish soap?

34. Which celebrity or politician are you most likely to assassinate this week?

35. After killing your ex, do you prefer to hide the body in your storage space or your crawlspace?

36. Do you consider Febreze a heath and beauty aid?

37. When laundering money, do you use the Church of Scientology or the Vatican?

38. Have you ever snuck an alcoholic beverage into the movies?

39. Was the movie “Leaving Las Vegas”, “Drugstore Cowboy”, or “Shrek 2″?

40. How many times have you had sex on an airplane?

41. How many times have you had sex on a submarine?

42. Other than missionary, doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, cuissade, and Italian chandelier, what is your favorite sexual position?

43. If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, do they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does?

44. What’s you favorite breed of dog?

45. What’s your preferred way to skin a cat?

46. Who has the coolest hats: The Pope, Samuel L. Jackson, or Carmen Miranda?

47. Other than a wallet and keys, what two things are always in your pockets?

48. Other than food or water, what is your favorite thing to put in your mouth?

49. What’s your favorite premium cable original program?

50. What’s your favorite movie with subtitles?

51. Do you own a turntable?

52. Do you own two turntables?

53. More than two?

54. Do you own two turntables and a microphone or two gramaphones and one megaphone?

55. What is your favorite non-linear editing software?

56. Which time do you prefer, wheels-up or wheels-down?

57. What brand-name do they call the heroin they sell on your corner?

58. What is your favorite flavor of vanilla?

59. What ingredient do you prefer to use when stepping on a package?

60. Favorite cum shot to perform/receive: belly, tits, or face?